Remember, remember

Collective Remembrance and Personal Loss

Today is a day dedicated to remembrance.

There is value in having a fixed day for remembering those who fought, suffered and died for their country. It gives us a shared moment to pause and reflect. For a brief time, people from different backgrounds unite behind a common symbol, the poppy, and a common act of remembrance. Then, on 12 November, most of us return to our daily routines.

But when you have experienced a significant loss, remembrance does not work like that.

There are obvious milestones: the first Mother's Day, the first Christmas, their birthday, the birth of a grandchild who will never meet them. These dates often carry a particular weight. Yet grief is rarely confined to anniversaries. Most often, remembrance appears in ordinary moments.

A familiar song on the radio.

A favourite meal.

An empty chair at the dinner table.

A robin in the garden.

Sometimes you can spend an entire day remembering without ever intending to.

While Remembrance Day gives us a collective experience of remembrance, our personal experiences are shaped by grief. And grief rarely follows a timetable.

Grief Does Not Follow a Calendar

For some people, grief is tied to a traumatic memory. They repeatedly replay the moment everything changed: the phone call, the hospital room, the accident, the bad news. Their minds become stuck on a particular event, returning to it over and over again despite the distress it causes.

For others, grief feels very different. There may be numbness, detachment or disbelief. Some people grieve loudly, needing to express every emotion. Others grieve quietly and inwardly. Some allow themselves to stop and feel the impact of the loss. Others throw themselves into work, responsibilities and practical tasks.

None of these responses is inherently right or wrong.

Many people are familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's model of grief:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

  
  

Some will recognise aspects of their own experience in these descriptions. However, they are not a checklist, nor are they stages that everybody passes through in a predictable order. Grief is rarely linear. We can move forwards, backwards and sideways. We can experience several emotions at once or return to emotions we thought we had already resolved.

When Remembering Becomes Getting Stuck

One of my clients, Nicole, appeared on the surface to have reached a level of acceptance quite quickly. As she put it herself: "I know he is dead, and he won't come back, and there is nothing that will change that." Yet acceptance was only part of her story.

Beneath it sat profound sadness and a great deal of anger. When I first met her, she had been repeatedly replaying the hospital events leading up to his death. The memory would return again and again, carrying the same emotional intensity each time. Interestingly, she mentioned this almost in passing, while the anger underneath was impossible to miss.

That became the focus of our initial work together. The events themselves did not disappear. Nor should they. They remain part of her history and part of her loss. What changed was the emotional impact. She no longer became trapped in that particular memory. Her mind could move elsewhere, towards other memories and other aspects of her relationship.

For Nicole, the issue was not remembering. The issue was being unable to remember anything else.

My Own Experience of Grief

My own experience following my father's death was very different. I became busy. There were arrangements to make, paperwork to complete, people to support and practical matters to organise. I was not denying what had happened, but I was placing my grief somewhere safe until I was ready to face it. I knew it would come later.

Today, my moments of remembrance often happen in the garden. We "talk" about what should be planted next, what might help a struggling hydrangea, or whether a particular project is worth attempting. A robin frequently appears and follows me around, and sometimes I find a white feather in an unexpected place.

None of this is dramatic. It is simply the way I remember him. The longer I work with grief, the more convinced I become that remembrance is deeply personal. Even our losses within a same family affect us differently.

Why Every Loss Feels Different

When my cats died, the grief felt physical. The tears came immediately and intensely. Even now, a photograph can bring emotion straight to the surface.

My father's photographs evoke something different. They bring memories, stories and reflections rather than the same overwhelming sadness. That does not mean I loved him any less. It simply means that grief expresses itself differently depending on the relationship, the circumstances and where we are in our lives when the loss occurs.

Beyond Grief: Understanding the Whole Picture

This is why I believe it is important to understand grief in context. Not all grief is traumatic, and not all traumatic memories are grief-related. Sometimes people seek support because they are struggling with the loss itself. Sometimes they are distressed by a specific memory linked to the loss. Often, it is a combination of both.

When clients come to see me, I want to understand the wider picture.

• Why are they seeking support now?

• What aspect of the loss feels most difficult?

• Are there specific memories causing distress?

• What does remembrance mean to them?

• Which coping strategies are helping, and which are no longer working?

• What has changed in their identity, relationships or sense of purpose since the loss?

  
  

Because grief is never just about death. It is also about attachment, meaning, identity, love and change.

The Goal Is Not to Forget

Most importantly, therapy is not usually about helping people forget. In fact, it is often the opposite.

The aim is to help people remember differently. To remember without becoming overwhelmed. To think of a loved one without immediately reliving the worst moments. To make room for sadness whilst also making room for gratitude, connection and joy. To allow memories to become part of our story rather than remaining a place where we become stuck.

As we mark Remembrance Day, millions of people will pause to honour those who came before us. It is a meaningful collective act, and one that deserves its place in our national calendar.

Yet remembrance does not begin and end on a single day. For many people, remembrance lives in ordinary moments throughout the year. It can be found in photographs, family traditions, old stories, favourite songs, garden robins, white feathers and quiet conversations that nobody else hears.

Remembering in Our Own Way

There is no right way to grieve.

There is no right way to remember.

Some people find comfort in rituals. Others avoid them entirely. Some revisit memories often. Others need distance before they can do so.

What matters is not whether our way resembles someone else's. What matters is whether it helps us carry forward the memory of those we have lost whilst continuing to live our own lives.

So yes, remember, remember.

But remember in your own way, in your own time, and for your own reasons.

The Power of Holistic Therapies

At Eyeris Health, we offer a range of holistic therapies designed to support mental, emotional, and physical well-being. These include hypnotherapy, sophrology, reiki, and systemic constellations. Each therapy offers unique benefits and can be tailored to meet individual needs.

Hypnotherapy

Hypnotherapy is a powerful tool for change. It helps clients tap into their subconscious mind to address fears, anxieties, and limiting beliefs. Through guided relaxation, clients can explore their thoughts and feelings in a safe environment.

Sophrology

Sophrology combines relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, and visualisation to promote well-being. It is particularly effective for managing stress and enhancing self-awareness. Clients often find it helps them feel more grounded and centred.

Reiki

Reiki is an energy healing practice that promotes relaxation and balance. It can help alleviate physical and emotional pain, allowing clients to release tension and find peace. Many clients report feeling a deep sense of calm after a session.

Systemic Constellations

Systemic constellations explore family dynamics and patterns that may be affecting an individual’s life. By bringing these patterns to light, clients can gain insight and understanding, leading to healing and resolution.